Friday, February 29, 2008

Below are two entries written as they happened, I’ll post more when I have time to sort it out mentally.

3 AM, Thursday, February 28th.

I was raped.

Most people would not call it that. But rape as its simplest is non-consensual sex. He entered me and I didn't know it. Yes, I wanted him but I didn't want /that/.

I was a virgin.

I never really cared when it was other people having sex. But it wasn't time for me. I'm Christian. I had always thought that when you have sex with someone you share part of your soul. I don't know what I now believe.

He is by all accounts a good guy. Not what you'd think of when you think rapist. He's out looking for Plan B for me right now. That doesn't change the fact that two days ago he entered me and I had no clue.

It hurt a bit. But he was rubbing against me and I just assumed he was teasing my entrance. Not that he entered me bare. "You can't get pregnant if I don't get off" he told me, pre-cum is all it takes, dumbass was what I told him. I don't really know how likely it is but anything is possible.

I would have an abortion.

My dreams and ambitions are too intense too be distracted by a child. I don't have a year to take off to give birth. I'm not that good. I wish I were. But even if I don't have an abortion in my heart I already have.

I want to wash away every bit of him but I know I can't. He left hickies on my leg, I enjoyed them greatly at the time. That was earlier today, before I knew what he had done. I know he could never be prosecuted. I know that I would never want to prosecute him (maybe a little).

Legally, he committed rape.

Legally, I have no evidence.


8:55am, Friday, February 29

"she asked will you rape me?"

"she said I don't believe in God"

Those two lines won't get out of my head. I can only vaguely remember the rest of the song. The first time I heard it I was in his car and told him how disturbing I found it. He shrugged it off. It was also playing as we made out last night.

It's morning. He did show up with Plan B last night. I took it. It had been slightly over three days since he first entered me without my knowledge or consent. Even if these do nothing I've heard they can be painful and part of me wants that. It seems like I need to endure something physical to purge this evil that hangs around my soul.