Still not better

I don't know how many times he entered me. He told me he went fully in once, that Tuesday. But there were times we were messing around and I assumed he was just rubbing against my clit but there was sharp pain, so I would resituate myself so he couldn't do that but he'd go back to it. How could I not know? It's nothing I had experienced before but still sharp sharp pain-- I should have been able to connect the dots. He's such a bastard. He sent me a text message after I complained to him about sitting on an ice pack on Tuesday. He laughed it off and said I could tell him to stop. But could I? I wasn't aware of what was going on. And I tried to get the point across that I didn't like the sharp sharp pain. Laughter and smiles during the all through the day. Tears and rage during the night that just won't stop.

I can't watch people being intimate. I had to watch this movie where these two teenage girls were trying to impress this scuzzy guy as a side story. They had a blow job competition using a younger boy, they made out to impress him. Watching it made me want to take a shower. I also saw a scene of two people in bed, the woman was on top. But it still made me flinch, the idea of that intimacy. It's hard to contrast this idea of sex I had in my head, my rape and the sex in the media. Every time I think about sex I think about that pain and about this betrayal.

One of the ways I've been dealing with this is by focusing on the future. I have this teacher, he's tall, dark and handsome. He's about ten years older than me and is obsessed with professionalism, which makes him safe. It also makes him safe that I would never hit on him or be in a situation alone with him. Crushes are fun, and in my case, innocent. In two years I'd like to ask him to dance at a bar or ask him out to coffee. Something light, something little, a friendship with romantic undercurrents not a thing that's all passion and glory. Passion scares the crap out of me. I like crushes because the guy in your head is always (in my experience) better than the guy, he says all the rights things and is there are all the right moments. I'd like a relationship someday, someday very far away from today.

Every time I start to think I get worse.

I can't stop thinking of the physical feelings and, how he didn't tell me, didn't warn

me. He told me on that thursday he fully slid into my once (tuesday), I'm not sure

how often he partially slid into me. He would be messing around and rubbing against

me. I just assumed he was against my clit but then there'd be a sharp pain and I'd

force him away. It kind of felt good but I feel like I should've been more vocal.

Should've figured it out sooner. I guess, I can understand my ignorance on one hand,

because I've never been one to mess around with my vagina and prefer that it's left

alone. I also, wonder why this hurts me so much when I didn't realize what was going

on at the time. But I guess a lot of it is betrayal I feel.

I wish I could turn off my brain.

Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save. (Psalm 146:3).

I've been meaning to write again. But it's harder than I thought to get this stuff out.

It's funny that my mom once told me I shouldn't read feminist stuff because it'll make me hate men, she's read a lot of books on it. When I told her what happened, I reminded her she told me that, and that I didn't think anyone could make me hate men as much as men do.

Friday I spent with my friend, J. He's the closest friend I have down here, although we've only really started hanging out this semester. He's a virgin, and a Wiccan--I find it easier to relate to people who have faith, regardless of what it is. I had spoken to my mom about all of this and she had called me with some clinics, while I was hanging out with him. I told him what happened. That day I bought some needed art supplies, didn't get a lot of work done and bought some See's candies. It was revitalizing.

But, running in the back of my mind was "if J were to betray me, I am unable to talk to guys except for those that I've known for over a decade". I have no reason to think that he would, but the thoughts were still there.

The next day I was over at the house he rents a room out of and we worked all day. It was a lot easier to be around him then. One thing that got to me, when I told him what had happened he gave me advice. It was the sort of stuff I'd already figured out, don't date a guy unless you've known him and his values for some time. But he also told me that you shouldn't go beyond making out unless you were willing to go all the way. At the time I didn't know how to take that.

I did later vent my anger at him over that, I'm not sure if he got it though. The thing that makes me doubt that is I've been an 'everything but' kind of female. I hadn't done much but I still wasn't a complete innocent. And all of the guys I've dated in the past have been fine with whatever line I chose to draw. I'm 19 now, but when I was 18 I dated a guy a couple months older than me. He was a stupid horny teenager but he always asked, and I turned him down for just about everything he asked for. Later that year I was on vacation and I had known this guy for like a week, he worked for my uncle. He was 28, ten years older than me. We made out under the stars, we also made out in his hotel room. I was very vulnerable and bad shit could've easily happened to me. But it didn't. Those guys had self-control. And that's why I can't blame myself, because I know a lot of girls that don't go all the way and guys usually will be content with what they have.

Sunday I spent in a whirlwind trying to get everything done for midterms. I had two big projects and one midterm test on Monday and Tuesday. I did not put out my best work, my mental state saw to that.

Monday reminded me that I'm not okay. When I got to school the hallways were dark, there were few people there. And even after my class started it was still dark and eerie. I had a near panic attack in the bathroom. I can't really explain it.

Tuesday was better but I saw him. I went into the computer lab to get my carpool buddy, M. He was there a computer away. Standing next to M was A, a guy I dated last semester. He wants something emotionally serious and I'm not ready for that. He's a very emotional guy, I found his occasional tears annoying, but now they're a blessing. Reminding me he has emotions, he expresses them in a healthy way and he is human. I got a hi from him, I said hi to M and ignored him. It was so bizarre. He was there but doing his work and acting like nothing was wrong. I guess to him nothing is wrong. He just doesn't get it.

And today I saw him again, he was standing in a doorway before he had time to wave I turned and entered a room. I hope he gets the message and just leaves me alone. On Monday he had texted me, asking me if he could treat me to ice cream. I just sent back a, no thanks.

All week I've been wearing skirts and dresses, at first I thought it was because they sometimes bring a confidence. But that night, that it happened I was wearing jeans. That was the first time I wore jeans around him. He told me once that I had a nice ass, the kind you couldn't help but stare at as it walked away. At the time I took the compliment, amused. Now it bothers me. I think I'll wear jeans tomorrow. Jeans and a long jacket.

Below are two entries written as they happened, I’ll post more when I have time to sort it out mentally.

3 AM, Thursday, February 28^th.

I was raped.

Most people would not call it that. But rape as its simplest is non-consensual sex. He entered me and I didn't know it. Yes, I wanted him but I didn't want /that/.

I was a virgin.

I never really cared when it was other people having sex. But it wasn't time for me. I'm Christian. I had always thought that when you have sex with someone you share part of your soul. I don't know what I now believe.

He is by all accounts a good guy. Not what you'd think of when you think rapist. He's out looking for Plan B for me right now. That doesn't change the fact that two days ago he entered me and I had no clue.

It hurt a bit. But he was rubbing against me and I just assumed he was teasing my entrance. Not that he entered me bare. "You can't get pregnant if I don't get off" he told me, pre-cum is all it takes, dumbass was what I told him. I don't really know how likely it is but anything is possible.

I would have an abortion.

My dreams and ambitions are too intense too be distracted by a child. I don't have a year to take off to give birth. I'm not that good. I wish I were. But even if I don't have an abortion in my heart I already have.

I want to wash away every bit of him but I know I can't. He left hickies on my leg, I enjoyed them greatly at the time. That was earlier today, before I knew what he had done. I know he could never be prosecuted. I know that I would never want to prosecute him (maybe a little).

Legally, he committed rape.

Legally, I have no evidence.

----------------

8:55am, Friday, February 29

"she asked will you rape me?"

"she said I don't believe in God"

Those two lines won't get out of my head. I can only vaguely remember the rest of the song. The first time I heard it I was in his car and told him how disturbing I found it. He shrugged it off. It was also playing as we made out last night.

It's morning. He did show up with Plan B last night. I took it. It had been slightly over three days since he first entered me without my knowledge or consent. Even if these do nothing I've heard they can be painful and part of me wants that. It seems like I need to endure something physical to purge this evil that hangs around my soul.