Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save. (Psalm 146:3).

I've been meaning to write again. But it's harder than I thought to get this stuff out.

It's funny that my mom once told me I shouldn't read feminist stuff because it'll make me hate men, she's read a lot of books on it. When I told her what happened, I reminded her she told me that, and that I didn't think anyone could make me hate men as much as men do.

Friday I spent with my friend, J. He's the closest friend I have down here, although we've only really started hanging out this semester. He's a virgin, and a Wiccan--I find it easier to relate to people who have faith, regardless of what it is. I had spoken to my mom about all of this and she had called me with some clinics, while I was hanging out with him. I told him what happened. That day I bought some needed art supplies, didn't get a lot of work done and bought some See's candies. It was revitalizing.

But, running in the back of my mind was "if J were to betray me, I am unable to talk to guys except for those that I've known for over a decade". I have no reason to think that he would, but the thoughts were still there.

The next day I was over at the house he rents a room out of and we worked all day. It was a lot easier to be around him then. One thing that got to me, when I told him what had happened he gave me advice. It was the sort of stuff I'd already figured out, don't date a guy unless you've known him and his values for some time. But he also told me that you shouldn't go beyond making out unless you were willing to go all the way. At the time I didn't know how to take that.

I did later vent my anger at him over that, I'm not sure if he got it though. The thing that makes me doubt that is I've been an 'everything but' kind of female. I hadn't done much but I still wasn't a complete innocent. And all of the guys I've dated in the past have been fine with whatever line I chose to draw. I'm 19 now, but when I was 18 I dated a guy a couple months older than me. He was a stupid horny teenager but he always asked, and I turned him down for just about everything he asked for. Later that year I was on vacation and I had known this guy for like a week, he worked for my uncle. He was 28, ten years older than me. We made out under the stars, we also made out in his hotel room. I was very vulnerable and bad shit could've easily happened to me. But it didn't. Those guys had self-control. And that's why I can't blame myself, because I know a lot of girls that don't go all the way and guys usually will be content with what they have.

Sunday I spent in a whirlwind trying to get everything done for midterms. I had two big projects and one midterm test on Monday and Tuesday. I did not put out my best work, my mental state saw to that.

Monday reminded me that I'm not okay. When I got to school the hallways were dark, there were few people there. And even after my class started it was still dark and eerie. I had a near panic attack in the bathroom. I can't really explain it.

Tuesday was better but I saw him. I went into the computer lab to get my carpool buddy, M. He was there a computer away. Standing next to M was A, a guy I dated last semester. He wants something emotionally serious and I'm not ready for that. He's a very emotional guy, I found his occasional tears annoying, but now they're a blessing. Reminding me he has emotions, he expresses them in a healthy way and he is human. I got a hi from him, I said hi to M and ignored him. It was so bizarre. He was there but doing his work and acting like nothing was wrong. I guess to him nothing is wrong. He just doesn't get it.

And today I saw him again, he was standing in a doorway before he had time to wave I turned and entered a room. I hope he gets the message and just leaves me alone. On Monday he had texted me, asking me if he could treat me to ice cream. I just sent back a, no thanks.

All week I've been wearing skirts and dresses, at first I thought it was because they sometimes bring a confidence. But that night, that it happened I was wearing jeans. That was the first time I wore jeans around him. He told me once that I had a nice ass, the kind you couldn't help but stare at as it walked away. At the time I took the compliment, amused. Now it bothers me. I think I'll wear jeans tomorrow. Jeans and a long jacket.

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