Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Still not better

I don't know how many times he entered me. He told me he went fully in once, that Tuesday. But there were times we were messing around and I assumed he was just rubbing against my clit but there was sharp pain, so I would resituate myself so he couldn't do that but he'd go back to it. How could I not know? It's nothing I had experienced before but still sharp sharp pain-- I should have been able to connect the dots. He's such a bastard. He sent me a text message after I complained to him about sitting on an ice pack on Tuesday. He laughed it off and said I could tell him to stop. But could I? I wasn't aware of what was going on. And I tried to get the point across that I didn't like the sharp sharp pain. Laughter and smiles during the all through the day. Tears and rage during the night that just won't stop.

I can't watch people being intimate. I had to watch this movie where these two teenage girls were trying to impress this scuzzy guy as a side story. They had a blow job competition using a younger boy, they made out to impress him. Watching it made me want to take a shower. I also saw a scene of two people in bed, the woman was on top. But it still made me flinch, the idea of that intimacy. It's hard to contrast this idea of sex I had in my head, my rape and the sex in the media. Every time I think about sex I think about that pain and about this betrayal.

One of the ways I've been dealing with this is by focusing on the future. I have this teacher, he's tall, dark and handsome. He's about ten years older than me and is obsessed with professionalism, which makes him safe. It also makes him safe that I would never hit on him or be in a situation alone with him. Crushes are fun, and in my case, innocent. In two years I'd like to ask him to dance at a bar or ask him out to coffee. Something light, something little, a friendship with romantic undercurrents not a thing that's all passion and glory. Passion scares the crap out of me. I like crushes because the guy in your head is always (in my experience) better than the guy, he says all the rights things and is there are all the right moments. I'd like a relationship someday, someday very far away from today.

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